ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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