Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
