uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
