I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
