4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
