So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
