Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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