and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
