Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
