He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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