why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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