Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
