Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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