I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
