Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
