I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
