I just pynch a tree in the face
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
