Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm really busy with my period
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