just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
