At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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