I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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