After last night, I could never be a politician.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
