Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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