I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
