Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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