My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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