My girlfriend figured out who you are.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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