the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
