If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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