taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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