Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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