I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
