A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
