A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
