Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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