He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
