okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You ruined the universe
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
