she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
