I should be sponsored by Trojan
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
