I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
