I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
