My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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