it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
