I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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