Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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