you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
