I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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