apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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