I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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