Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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