I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
