I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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